When a match falls through...

It seems like just yesterday we were sharing our wonderful news that we were matched... that we were having a baby girl... that we were happy...

How fast things can fall apart.  It's been a really difficult subject for me to talk about.  Many people sensed we were having issues, as I don't hide my emotion well.  But, not everyone knows what happened.  3 weeks ago, we went to visit the birth parents in their home town.  During that visit we had a scheduled 4D sonogram.  Our birth mother also had signed us up for a TV show.  The producers and camera crew were there to spend the weekend with us and document our story.  It was an amazing weekend... but emotions were high and many things came up that were red flags that this adoption may not be everything we and the birth parents were looking for.  We left feeling closer to them than ever, but also had concerns that we weren't on the same page.

The birth father has never fully supported the idea of the adoption.  See he is 15 years older than the birth mother and has 3 children.  She is the mother of a wonderful 3 year old, whom she gets no financial support for from his biological father. She convinced him that together with 5 children, they would NOT succeed and adoption was the best plan.  He reluctantly signed papers that would terminate his rights as long as she was moving forward with the adoption.  During that weekend visit, on and off camera, he told all of us that he was becoming more comfortable with the idea of adoption, but would still prefer to keep her.  Some red flags that we saw that they were going to want more involvement in the child's life than what we were prepared for were; he wanted to have a special name for her to call him by, he wanted custody returned to him if we were to both die, and he wanted us to return with her yearly for a father/daughter dance at his church in addition to the many other visits a year we were offering.  Plus other holidays.

The birth mother, young and not truly wanting adoption, also was having a hard time with separating herself from the baby.  She has loved and cared for this child in her womb for 7 months and now is forced with the very real fact that she chose adoption.  Meaning someone else would be parenting her baby girl.  This was something she was having a very hard time with.  I had always told her we would like the baby to know them and see them "as much as possible"... Being that we live 4 hours away, both work jobs and have an 11 year old son that is active in many school, sport and music activities, we thought they would understand that would probably mean a few times a year.  When we returned from our visit, everything seemed to crash and fall apart.  The number 2-4 times a year was said by me when she asked me to clarify how often she would likely see the baby.  This devastated her and lead to 2 solid weeks of her very upset and angry with me.  I tried everything to fix it, but it just wasn't enough. 

I admit, there were times I had a very hard time containing the anger I felt when she lashed out at me and accused me of lying to her, leading her on, not trusting me and betraying her.  It's natural to get defensive when a person feels attacked. There were times I let my emotions get the best of me and I responded to her hastily.  But, no matter what, it is understandable that a scared, young mother is terrified of this process and I am the best person to lash out at... I was, after all, the threat, the woman "taking" her child. 

As things began to mend between us this week, today she found out that by switching agencies, the consent form signed by the birth father was no longer going to be used and he would have to sign all over again.  He has always said he regretted signing and now refuses to do so. She served him with a 30 day notice to claim paternity. I don't know what that will mean for her, for him, for us.  But for now, we know we will not be getting the daughter we thought we were going to have.

Of course, we can move on, and probably will... But that doesn't take away the pain, the loss, the sadness, the anguish, the anger...

So this is what a failed adoption feels like?  We had so much invested. Not just financially, but emotionally. This baby we felt growing on our hearts for months now.  We saw her face on the screen. We have pictures of her smiling, yawning, making a fist, frowning.  We loved her... This is a loss we don't know how to mourn... We still love her... or the thought of her.  She is still here... Just not with us.